Sebuah Ikhtiar

 Untuk declutter and organize my mind

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   I have been longing to have friends who can trigger me to think and explore. I yearn for a lengthy conversation where I test myself, I try to find the answer, and I can actually uncover a new side of my personality even though the topic doesn't actually matter to anyone.  I am having a brain rot, I think. It's about what I do. I currently have no creative avenues to express myself. I am always in control. Doing stuff too easy for my mind. Doing stuff where the stuff doesn't end.  My brain has been blunted. Not only intelligence-related activities. Even I am now struggling to write for my own good. It's barely 3 paragraphs and I am already struggling to write.  I remember the days where I went back from school to start my computer and write blogs. I remember when I did blog-walking every day to get to know the people I know better. I remember I write my own stories and I struggle to actually make the passage short because I couldn't stop.  And now I even ...
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I stumbled across screenshots of my conversation with the men I was once closed with.  I recall a quote that says something like "When you meet the right person but at the wrong place and time, he is not for you."  I read the conversation with this one person. He was intelligent, and his value did not contradict with me. Talking with him about various things was easy and comfortable. No necessary explanation about what I was trying to say was needed. But one thing turned me off. And I consider that important in a relationship. This one trait can easily be fixed but I wonder why I did not try to fix it?  Oh. Now I remember the other thing I was hesitant about him. He showed something that I think makes him prone-to-cheat. Even though it wasn't shown when I was interacting with him, I kind of felt and "read" that. I didn't bring up this topic to him.  One day I decided I would just give him up.  The other chat that I found was from the other man. He was fun to...
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 I am back to this blog again after having arguments with my husband. I would honestly not call it an argument because all the things he did today was wrong and instead he blamed on me. I pointed out all of the mistakes and he tried to find something so I could be in the wrong sides too.  Before going to this page I read my last post  I am currently wondering and re-thinking about what I said.  "I accept his strengths and weaknesses and I hope I can support him to reach his full pontetial"? He's been showing attitudes that he had never shown when we were getting to know each other.  I remember telling my host family that I wanted to protect him from all the evil in this world.  It turns out, after several months of marriage, he is the one who hurts me the most.  Profession only attaches to people when they are in the work place. Once they get home, off the work mode, they become their true self. I am not heard, not understood, not safe. Where is the as...
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